Listen up my good Catholic little brothers, we need to have a talk. I notice a lot of you fellas are feeling a little under the weather lately. Looks like a bunch of you all done come down with something- something called “tfw no gf”. I think we need to talk about what we’re gonna do about this problem.
First, I’ll tell you what we’re not going to do about it. We’re not gonna talk about it with girls. Nothing turns a woman off more quickly than you telling her how quickly you turn other women off. Women are social creatures (just like us, although in some different ways) and when you start saying all the other zebras stay away from you they’re going to figure the other zebras must know something’s up.
Second, and I don’t even need to tell you guys this, we’re not gonna look at porn. If you think “tfw no gf” is bad, imagine “tfw nothing good and you burn forever in the darkness and there is wailing and gnashing of teeth.” Don’t bullshit yourself on this either- if you’re looking at it because it’s sexually arousing, you’re using it as porn, whether or not that’s its primary function. Cancel that HBO subscription, quit surfing for indecent anime fan-art, unfollow that “Beautiful Women in Renaissance Paintings” twitter account. Better to be a little bit of a prude and save yourself from reminders of all the sex you’re not (and shouldn’t be) having than to be cultured and worldly and miserably hornt. If you do start thinking about it, say the St. Michael prayer immediately- remember that you are lowly and weak and you need help from God and His servants to become strong. The devil is much stronger and smarter than you, but St. Michael stands forever before the Eternal throne, ready to beat the devil’s ass in the name of God.
Third, we’re gonna recognize that nobody owes you a gf. Not women, not God, not the pope. The Vatican doesn’t have a waifu factory for all the nice boys who tweet about the Mass of Ages. Hopefully you don’t consciously think this, but when you get “tfw no gf” you need to examine yourself and ask “why do I think I should have a gf?” These kinds of thoughts can creep up on us- the devil wants to turn you into a tool. God wants to make you great and holy and a shining beacon of His love. Trust your Father to give you everything you need, whether or not that includes a gf.
Fourth, we’re gonna work on ourselves and one another. The best thing you can do is stop wanting a gf and realize that celibacy is the superior state, and become a paragon of chaste Catholic masculinity by entering the priesthood or religious life. If you guys are like me and you can’t cut that, then we’re gonna need to learn to be good bfs, by which I mean we’re going to learn to need to be good husbands (if a girl wants you to be her bf but would never want you to be her husband, it’s time to check the f*ck out, bro). This is something it takes a lifetime to learn, but we can start today. The first thing you need to do is realize that as the man of the house you will need to be a font of holiness in the lives of the people around you. Conveniently, this is also what you should try to be right now as a single dude. Fellas, we gotta start living lives of prayer, fasting, and works of charity, and we gotta start increasing our devotion to the sacraments of Penance and Communion.
Last, we’re going to read this blog. I know a lot of the advice you guys get about how to deal with women as Catholic men (or just as men in general) is garbage, so myself and maybe some other married men are gonna try to be here to help you get real. We’re going to try not to mince words here- the salvation of souls is the highest law. I will pray for you- please pray for me.